By Ziva van Rompaey
Many find it easy to make quick judgments about her: about her past and her present. But they’d be surprised by the amount of tears and pain a single smile hides.
On the outside, she may seem content and happy with herself; but inside is an entirely different and much more complex world.
Most people say a typical teenage girl should be having fun with friends, working hard in school and freely enjoying life! Well, it’s not like that for her.
Her inside world is filled with vicious, painful thoughts and fears. Unfortunately, her overflowing thoughts cannot be controlled, leaving her with a restrictive sickness. She is trapped in a prison, which she cannot escape and no one is able to bail her out.
From time to time, we all face challenges and have to find ways to conquer them.
But these challenges aren’t the same for her and her sickness.
Every day, she has to fight big battles: issues with friends, problems at school and worst of all food.
The word may sound so simple to most people, but to someone with this sickness, it is the most horrifying and terrifying word. The sight of it causes her to shiver. The thought of it leaves her in pain, and the sound of it haunts her.
She has spent countless sleepless nights, thinking about the challenges she will have to face the next day. What am I going to eat? How will I avoid it? When will this be over?
Every morning, she meets her biggest and most intimidating enemy: the scale. Slowly she places herself on it, shaking nervously to see what number will appear before her.
The mirror is no better; she has to watch every imperfect part of her body in the mirror. Voices call around her.
“You’re fat,” “Don’t wear that,” “It was probably that cake you ate yesterday,” and “You better skip meals today to lose all that fat.”
As she drags herself down the stairs, the voices continue to whisper and follow her all the way to the kitchen.
Opening the fridge, thoughts race through her mind. She slowly reaches for the milk but hesitation stops her and she pulls her hand back. As she continues to bite her nails with uncertainty, she thinks, “should I drink it or not?”
Finally, she pulls out her most trustful and helpful weapon, her phone. It contains the most reassuring thing to her – the calculator. She adds the numbers to determine the total calories. The calculator is her sense of relief. Her guide. Her shield from terror. This is the tool that can determine what she eats and what she doesn’t.
As she takes her milk and apple, she sits down with a big sigh. As she slowly eats her food, the voices haunt her again.
“Oh! Now you’ve done it, you are going to be even fatter.”
With every bite, the feeling of guilt shoots her in the stomach like a flying bullet. One bite, one bullet. Two bites, two bullets… They are endless.
She finishes her food and walks up back to her room to get ready for school.
As she gets ready she says to herself, “a few battles are already won but more lie ahead.”
She picks up her bag and opens the door to head out. Stopping for a second, she feels her heart beat faster and louder and she starts to shiver with fear. A full day of battles to fight awaits.
