Dariga Atayeva, Year 12
Is it possible to dream of not dreaming? Tea never had trouble sleeping when she was younger. Now, those moments are the things she reminisces about.
Following her cousin’s death, she felt like things were different. People say that grief eventually subsides, but those are just meaningless words of reassurance. In reality, grief never goes away, you just learn how to live with it.
At 10 pm, Tea decided to go to bed. It was much earlier than she was accustomed to, but she wanted to start a change in her sleep schedule. She laid down in the dark, taking deep breaths whilst looking at her ceiling. The trick was to breathe in for 10 seconds, hold your breath for 5 and exhale for 10. As soon as she started to do that, her mind couldn’t help but think.
It began thinking of all that could’ve been different if she invited her to go with her to the cinema that one day. If she came back earlier, or if she never went there at all. The anxiety slowly crept in, and would persist in a vicious cycle.
As soon as she felt herself drifting to her unconscious, her body would jump as if it had fallen from above and the thoughts would come back. At this point, it was already 2 am. Panic and frustration washed over her. She didn’t know what to do; what could save her from herself? Her body was tired, but her mind was more active than it would ever be.
The next day, she scheduled an appointment with her therapist. Hopefully she would be able to fix her problem there. Yet again, all she got out of it were prescriptions for sleeping pills.
Leaving the building where she had her appointment, she headed towards a café to get a late breakfast. On her way, she came across an animal shelter. Something inside her, perhaps her curiosity, made her come to a halt before it. She considered it, and thought that it would not hurt to go inside. She never planned on getting a pet; it was tough enough to manage her own time.
As soon as she stepped inside, her eyes met those of a grey cat. Its big yellow eyes stared at her; she felt seen. That’s the moment she knew that she wouldn’t be able to forgive herself if she did not adopt that cat.
And so she did. Thereafter, the nights when her anxiety took over, Puff would jump up onto the bed and lay down next to her, purring. It was now much easier to relax.
